No Woman, No Cry.
It had been 3 o'clock in the morning, when Owen felt the vibrations of his cell phone underneath his pillow; it was a text message from Elizabeth asking for his help. Elizabeth had been having problems with her family for a couple of months now. Her grandfather had been diagnosed with cancer. The yen she had for her grandfather was astonishing, and they had been through a lot together, but since he’s been diagnosed, he’s never been the same; he was gaunt and feeble looking, she couldn't loose him now. Also Elizabeth hated living at home because her father was a drunk with a tendency of hitting her. He’d only been like this since her mother passed away, and he’s been going out at night until 12, and coming home very drunk, and ever since, she knew this was always going to be irrevocable part of her life. The only thing Elizabeth had in her life was Owen, and her grandfather.
Owen replied in the text message "What's wrong?"
Within a few minutes Elizabeth sent, "Father came home drunk, and is ready to beat me. Can you come pick me up?"
Owen had to abet Elizabeth with this situation, so in a heartbeat he got out of bed, grabbed his keys and was out the door.
♫
He arrived at Elizabeths doorstep where she had been sitting, she hurried to the car. Her face was weak, eyes were dark, and her cheeks were red.
"What happened?" Owen asked inquisitively as she put her seat belt on.
"He hit me…hit me pretty hard Owen." Her long blonde bangs covered her left eye. “I would have been a dupe for staying at that house.” Owen moved the hair in her face and pushed it behind her ear. Her eye was bruised and red from crying, and she had scratches all across her forehead.
Elizabeth's cool, soft hands grabbed onto Owen's wrist, "You better not tell anyone about this…keep this covert between you and I" she said worriedly.
"Liza, you know me, I won't tell a soul." He said.
As they headed back to Owen's house, Bob Marley on the radio sang "Ere, little darlin, don't shed no tears, no, woman, no cry."
♫
As they arrived at Owen's house, Elizabeth was sitting on Owen's bed, when her phone rang. Owen was in the kitchen getting Elizabeth an ice pack when he heard some shouting.
"I AM NOT COMING HOME." Elizabeth screamed. "I HATE YOU, YOU STUPID DRUNK," and she hung up the phone. She started to cry, "Owen, can I stay at your house for a couple of days, I can't go home like this Owen, I really can't." Owen didn't know what to say, so he nodded his head.
♫
The next day at school was tough for Elizabeth; a bevy of people asked her what had happened. Since everyone knew she was an inept person, she had used the same excuse over and over again, "I fell down the stairs." But everyone knew what was up with her and her father, so they acted as if the story was true.
As Owen sat at the lunch table, eating his albacore sandwich, he watched as Elizabeth played with her peas. He had come to conclusion that he liked Elizabeth, and he wanted to be with her, but he didn't want to tell her that, because they had been best friends with her since the second grade and didn't want her to suspect anything. So as he watched silently, she looked up at him.
"You know what I hate?" she asked impromptu, "Disgusting, frozen peas that they serve at lunch. I mean look at this, and they aren't even cooked."
Owen laughed as the bell rang, "Wow Liza, you certainly do have a mind of your own." He said in an amicable manner.
♫
Elizabeth stayed at Owen's for a few weeks now; she never wanted to go home, so Owen welcomed her to his house for however long she wanted to stay.
Especially that one night, when she got a phone call from her father, "You're kidding right," she said as she talked to her father for the first time in about 2 weeks. "This can't be happening." She hung up the phone, and started to cry. Elizabeth was thwarted by the news. "My grandfather passed away," she said as she looked into Owen's eyes from the kitchen table. Why was this happening to such a sweet girl, thought Owen, first she gets beat up from her alcoholic father, now her grandfather dies? Owen knew he had to be there for her now, more then ever.
And as she cried in Owen's arms, the radio played with Bob Marley singing, "Ere, little darlin, don't shed no tears, no, woman, no cry."
11 comments:
The conflict in the story was that Elizabeth had an alcoholic, abusive father and her grandfather, who she was very close to, was diagnosed with cancer. The conflict was external. It was resolved by Elizabeth moving into her best friend Owen's house. I was invested with the resolution of the story because i wanted to see if Elizabeth would make it out of her household. The story could be made more dramatic by not letting her live in Owen's house so she had to live with her father.
The protagonist changes throughout the story by learning to deal with her problems. In this situation, she dealt with her problem by moving into another house. Change is important in the story because her and Owen become closer. If the story didn't change, Elizabeth could have been beaten to death by her father.
My favorite part of the story was the expostition. I found out who the characters were because of the situation Elizabeth was in."It had been 3 o'clock in the morning, when Owen felt the vibrations of his cell phone underneath his pillow; it was a text message from Elizabeth asking for his help. Elizabeth had been having problems with her family for a couple of months now." It stood out to me because it started in a unique way the grabbed my attention.
The tale's best quality is by far the dialogue. There is a lot of dialogue in this short story which makes it stand out from normal stories."Elizabeth's cool, soft hands grabbed onto Owen's wrist, "You better not tell anyone about this…keep this covert between you and I" she said worriedly. "Liza, you know me, I won't tell a soul." He said."
I think that the theme is to never give up. Elizabeth never gave up through all of her hardships.
The main thing that i would consider revising would be to give more detail about the setting so you are not jumping from day to day or place to place without informing the reader first.
The conflict of the story was that Elizabeth has an abusive and alcoholic father, and her grandfather passes away all at one time making life very hard for her, but luckily she has her friend Owen to support her with everything. It is resolved when Owen allows her to stay at his house until things at home are better.
Elizabeth changes throughout the enitire story because she has to face all of her problems. With the changes her and Owen become closer friends and Owen even begins to have feelings for Elizabeth. If the story didn't have change Elizabeth may have been hurt much worse.
My favorite part of the story was when Elizabeth makes up the excuse to tell everyone at school."I fell out of a tree trying to get Alan's balloon from the parade.' But everyone knew what was up with her and her father, so they acted to go along with her story." This seems like a realistic lie that a teenager would say to hide a problem that was going on at home.
The best quality in this story is the dialogue. throughout the story you learn so much about the characters through the way they speak to eachother.
I think the theme of this story is no matter how hard times get you can never give up. Elizabeth was strong through the hard times and was lucky to have the support from her friend Owen.
One thing I might suggest is to go into a little more detail about the setting of the story so that it is easier to imagine in your mind. Other then that great job!
1.) There is both an internal and external conflict of this story. Owen doesn't know if he wants to tell Elizabeth how he feels, and Elizabeth also has a drunk father how hits her. Her grandfather is also very ill. I think the story could have been more dramatic is Elizabeth didn't have the option of living with Owen. And also the resolution was kind of quick, maybe you could have her attending her grandfather funeral, or perhaps, maybe her dad should die in the end?!
2.)I think the main character Elizabeth changes over time. She has a really rough life to begin with, but as the story progresses, her life is just getting worse and worse. She is getting support from her friend Owen more than ever, but with news about her grandfather, it makes Elizabeth feel lost and unsure about her future, hence, the main character changing over the course of the story.
3.)My favorite part of the story is when Owen is there to help Elizabeth. And how he promises her won't tell anyone what happens to her. I though Owen was a great friend to Elizabeth, which is what she defiantly needed. My favorite line was,""It had been 3 o'clock in the morning, when Owen felt the vibrations of his cell phone underneath his pillow; it was a text message from Elizabeth asking for his help. Elizabeth had been having problems with her family for a couple of months now." I thought wow. Owen is such a good friend if he is there for his friend at 3am ready to help her. His kindness and consideration as a friend shocked me.
4.)I Believe that the best aspect of this story was the characters. Elizabeth's life is described really good, and Owen is a great supporting character. A true friend indeed. Owen's kindness shocked me.
5.)The theme of the story is kind of like friends will always be there. No matter what happens, the good and the bad, friends will and should always be there.
6.) I would just re-read the story out loud to make sure it sounds alright. Other than that, there weren't really any errors. Great job Akkk !
- Loveee JuJu
1.) The conflict of Abbey's story was Elizabeth having to deal with her grandfather's sickness and her alcoholic father. It was external. The conflict was resolved when Owen was there for Elizabeth to let out her emotions when her father passed away. I was pretty invested with the resolution of the conflict. This story could have been more dramatic if Owen and Elizabeth had developed a relationship or if they had a direct confrontation with Elizabeth's dad.
2.) Elizabeth changes over time because at the beginning of the story she is scared and worried. At the end she has Owen to lean on as she goes through tough times. Her epiphany is that she has Owen to help her out. This is important to the story because Owen keeps Elizabeth from getting too sad.
3.) My favorite part of the story is when they are in the cafeteria. It occured in the rising action. "'You know what I hate?' she asked impromptu, 'Disgusting frozen peas that they serve at lunch. I mean look at this, and they aren't even cooked.'" I liked this quote a lot because it seemed real and humorous, and I liked it.
4.) This tale's best quality is the dialogue. I think this is because the dialogue is very realistic. It shows the relationship between Owen and Elizabeth. Abbey does a good job of making them seem like good friends through her dialogue.
5.) The story's theme is to stay strong through tough times. You see parts of this in the beginning when Elizabeth is picked up by Owen. You get to see how her alcoholic father treats her. By the end of the story you understand the theme because Elizabeth's grandfather dies.
6.) The main thing that Abbey should revise is her use of words. Mostly everything is okay, but it seems as though sometimes she had to try and force the vocabulary terms. Other than that everything is solid. There are no obvious grammar or capitalization errors.
1) The Conflict of the story is Elizabeth being beaten by her father. It is an external conflict that is resolved by Elizabeth moving into her best friend Owen’s house away from her father.
2) The main character changes over the course of the story from being the victim or abuse to reconstructing her life again and being stronger from it. The epiphany is finally calling Owen to move into his house. This change is very important to the story because if she didn’t move in she would still be getting beat.
3) My favorite part of the story was the end when Liza is in Owen’s arms and the song is playing, “And as she cried in Owen's arms, the radio played with Bob Marley singing, ‘Ere, little darlin, don't shed no tears, no, woman, no cry.’ " This is because it just seams like a peaceful scene. Although it is very sad it is also happy in its own way.
4) The tales best quality is the plot. You can clearly tell the exposition from the rising action and so on. This is the best quality because if you couldn’t tell them apart the tale wouldn’t make sense.
5) The stories theme is that even the worst situations can become good. The author foreshadowed this with pretty much the entire story telling how the dad is a drunk but she moves to her best friend’s house.
6) The main thing the author has to work on is keeping the story in one tense and not switching from present tense to past tense when it doesn’t make sense. The story would be much clearer if this happened and much more pleasurable to read.
1.) the conflict in the story is that Elizabeth has a alcoholic father that beats her. also her grandfather is diagnoised with cancer. this is an external conflict.
2.) at the begginning of the story, Eizabeth put up with her father beating her. but by the end she is satying with owen and she can't take it anymore. the conflict is resolved hen owen says that she can stay with him for as long a she wants, and her grandfather dies.
3.) "And as she cried in Owen's arms, the radio played with Bob Marley singing, 'Ere, little darlin, don't shed no tears, no, woman, no cry.'" tis was my favorite part of the story becasue i like how you used a song and you chose the right one, so it worked good in your story.
4.) the best part of your storywas making is sound reallistic. you used realistic dialoug like when she was talking about the luch, becasue well, theyre in high school and high sschool kids talk about the lunch..... and also people do strugle with abuse and this was a good tory that involved it.
5.) the theme of the story is friends wil do anything for you. Owen was there when Elizabeth needed her, and also he kept her secret so he really helped her a lot.
6.) in your story you mention Elizabeths brother but when she leaves, you never hear about him. so i would jsut say to write about what happens to him. also you might wantto xtend your story. we dont know what happens with owen and Elizabeth, or if she goes back home.
There is both an internal and external conflict of this story.The external conflict of the story was that Elizabeth has an abusive and alcoholic father. the internal conflict is Owen doesn't know if he wants to tell Elizabeth how he feels. i was more interested about the internal conflict than the external conflict and i wish that he told her and there was a happy ending. also what happened to the younger brother Allen?
The main character changes over the course of the story from being the victim or abuse to living in a safe and freindly house. The epiphany is finally calling Owen to move into his house. This change is very important to the story because if she didn’t move in she would still be getting beat.
My favorite part of the story was the end when Liza is in Owen’s arms and the song is playing, “And as she cried in Owen's arms, the radio played with Bob Marley singing, "Ere, little darlin, don't shed no tears, no woman, no cry." I like this ending because if they got married than it would be very coorny but i wish Allen found another place to stay.
The best part of your story is the conflicts because they are two very goo realistic conflics that if put together make a romance story.
The story's theme is to stay strong through tough times. You see parts of this in the beginning when Elizabeth is picked up by Owen. You get to see how her alcoholic father treats her. By the end of the story you understand the theme because Elizabeth's grandfather dies.
in your story you mention Elizabeths brother but when she leaves, you never hear about him. so i would jsut say to write about what happens to him.
authors note..
Out of this paper i would like the reader to get out how hard it is for someone to go through a bad life, and how good it feels to have a shoulder to lean on. The theme i thought was never give up, like Elizabeth, how her father abused her and her grandfather died, she still never gave up. And always, Owen was there for her by her side.
I think works well this this piece was self experience. I added a little bit of my life, into the paper. For example, my dziadziu (grandfather) died, and i hadnt talked to my father in a long time, just like Elizabeth. But she made it through, just like me.
My weakness's were trying to think of the topic. I already had a good title that i wanted to use, but i had to work that into the story somehow. The problems i encountered was what the people were going to say to make it sound realistic. The weak areas was i think moving from day to day in one paragraph, i dont think it sounds too good in the story.
Feedback i would like, is my content, how can i enhance my vocabulary. im not particularly good at choosing the right word choice. also i would like help on how not to jump from day to day so fast.
Yen – strong desire; Elizabeth had a strong desire for her grandfather.
Gaunt – excessively thin, angular; Elizabeth’s grandfather got very skinny when being sick with cancer.
Feeble – very weak; also when Elizabeth’s grandfather was sick he was very weak.
Irrevocable – impossible to change; ever since Elizabeth’s mother passed, her father was an alcoholic so she new this was something never to forget.
Abet – to help; Owen knew that Elizabeth’s father was an alcoholic, and he knew that she didn’t want be there, so he wanted to help her out.
Inquisitively- curious; Owen wanted to know what had happened since she made him come out and get her at 3 am.
Dupe – a fool; if Elizabeth had stayed in the house with her father, she knew she would have gotten more beat.
Covert - a secret; She didn’t want everyone to find out about this mishap with her father.
Bevy - large group or collection- people at school knew about the issues Elizabeth had with her father, so they were going to talk.
Inept - clumsy; Elizabeth is a clumsy person, and she thought of a lie that hopefully everyone would believe.
Albacore – tuna; the type of sandwich Owen was eating at lunch.
Impromptu – without much thought; Elizabeth was always curious and questioned a lot of things that she had always wondered about.
Amicable – friendly; Owens Elizabeth’s best friend and he was always nice to her.
Thwarted – to confuse or frustrate; Elizabeth was totally shocked with the news of her grandfathers death.
The conflict in the story was that the main character had an alcoholic, abusive father and her grandfather, who she was very close to, was diagnosed with cancer. The conflict was external. It was resolved by Elizabeth moving in with her best friend. I was invested with the resolution of the story because I wanted to know if Elizabeth was going to get out.
Elizabeth changes throughout the story by learning to deal with her problems and becoming more mature and aware of what's god for her. She did so by moving out and creating a better life. If the story didn't change, Elizabeth could have been beaten to death by her father as though its bad to say there would not have been more of a better story.
My favorite part of the story was the expostition. It clearly explained the conflict and the troubles Elizabeth was in. It stood out to me because it started in a unique way the grabbed my attention.
The tale's best quality is by far the dialogue. There is a lot of dialogue in this short story which makes it stand out from normal stories. Also that it's more realistic and more believeable so makes the story better.
I think that the theme is to never give up. Elizabeth never gave up through all of her hardships.
I don't think that there is much for Abbey to edit but clearer describing settings and times so as to make it more understandable.
1.) I think the biggest change from my first draft to my final draft was the amount of vocabulary used, it really enhanced throughout drafts.
2.) I liked the comments better rather then the packet because i liked getting feedback from other people rather then just one person. and i liked how people got to read my story and tell me what i had to change.
3.) The best thing about my story I think was the conflict, and how Elizabeth's life was going down the drain and getting worse and worse day by day.
4.) The advice i would give the next years class is really think about the concept of the story and think ahead f time before you actually write it. Maybe make an organizer before you start actually writing.
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